It's All In Your Head
by WannabeGallagher
Summary: No one knew what Cammie's counselling sessions with Dr Steve were doing to her, they certainly didn't think he would be ruining her in more ways than one. Cammie's life begins to fall apart around her, but she doesn't understand why, and she ends up pushing everyone away, even loosing herself. She needs help, before it's too late.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I don't own anything blah blah blah, I wish I did but it's all Ally Carter's!**

**This is a new story I've started, hope people like it… it's a bit angsty but I like my stories like that, lots of Zammie to come so don't worry… will be quite a long story so follow if you like it!**

**I read all reviews and they mean a lot to me so if you have a spare second be sure to let me know what you think!**

'Notepad' I mumbled to myself furiously as I tried to remember where it was. 'Notepad' I repeated again as I ran my trembling fingers through my hair in frustration feeling myself getting worked up. I felt tears fall down my face nearly obscuring my vision as I rummaged through my colour assorted books. 'Aha' I said triumphantly grabbing it, careful not to mess up the order.

I was on my way the Covert Operations, the others had left without me as usual, they liked being early, but I had to be exactly on time. I get kind of flustered otherwise, I'm not stupid, I know it's not normal and I should get help or something but I was pretty sure the trustees were just looking for an excuse to kick me out. To be honest, I like being tidy and precise, so what? It's no one else's business. It had started after I had been brought back from the convent. Macey and Liz were understanding at first, but now I think they're getting annoyed with me, I'm different. Bex hasn't spoken to me since I left, but I don't need her, if she started talking to me she might delay me if we started walking to class together, and then I wouldn't be able to be on time. My mom tries to talk to me too, but I don't talk to her much, I don't do much of anything anymore.

I walked down the corridor almost at the door for Cover Operations, making perfect time, until I heard Zach's voice call out behind me. I spun around angrily as he strolled towards me. He'd hardly spoken to me for ages, he'd been flirting with my ex-best friend and now he wanted to talk to me and make me late for class. 'Cammie we should talk…' he stated standing in front of me.

'No… time… late… for… CoveOps…' I stuttered as I literally pushed him against the wall and shoved myself past him forcefully, stepping through the door of the CoveOps classroom three seconds late. I felt panic grip me as I braced myself for Abby's wrath but she didn't batter an eyelid as me and Zach walked in late. Still, I hadn't been on time, when you're not on time bad things happen, I would have to punish myself later.

I caught sight of a furious Zach sat in the chair in front of me, I would have to apologise to him later. It was hard to concentrate on the lesson when I had been a full three seconds late. My hands were trembling again like they always do when I'm panicking. I tugged on the neck of my jumper, it was hot, really hot, but I couldn't take it off because then everyone would see. They would see the way in which I punished myself. So I just sat there letting the heat engulf my body.

'What are you doing?' I heard Macey ask.

'What?' I replied puzzled.

'Stop clicking your pen!' Macey demanded. 'It's so annoying!'

I glanced down at my hand, pen poised. I stared in shock as I realised I hadn't even noticed I'd been doing it!

'Urm' I stammered awkwardly, dropping the pen onto the desk.

Luckily I was saved as Aunt Abby said 'Class Dismissed'

I hadn't even been listening to the lesson, I had been staring, staring at my covered up wrists thinking of the pain I would enforce on them later, so I wasn't surprised when my Aunt stopped me as I was about to walk out. 'Cammie are you okay?' she questioned in a motherly kind of tone.

'I'm fine Aunt Abby' I replied, stitching on a fake smile. 'Just lots of work to catch up on'

She nodded understandingly, she looked kind of relieved, I could tell sorting out teenage girls problems weren't really her thing. But I did notice she didn't look entirely convinced and I groaned as I realised she'd probably go telling my mom I was mentally depressed or something.

'Well you know where I am if you need me' she added kindly.

I walked out feeling even worse than when I'd entered. I was such an awful person, I had a choice of telling my mom, Aunt Abby and about half of the staff faculty about my problems, but I couldn't tell anyone, after all they were my problems and so they should stay with me. I couldn't even tell my friends, and that was the worst thing of all.

My stomach rumbled but I ignored it as I battled against the crowd slowly so that I wouldn't have to be forced to eat lunch. I didn't deserve it.

I said a silent thank you to god as I caught sight of my friends walking towards me out of the Grand Hall. 'You missed lunch Cammie!' Liz said disappointed.

'Oh' I said acting sad. I was about to turn back the other way to go along with my friends to P&E until I felt my mom gently grab at my arm and pull me to the side. 'You missed lunch' my mom stated, watching me so intently that I thought she might be trying to read my mind.

'Abby wanted to talk to me' I replied coolly, realising it was probably her that told Abby to try and speak to me, still she had made it possible for me to avoid lunch so maybe I should be more thankful. I wasn't in the mood to be late to another class though, I already had enough punishment to deal with tonight. I started to walk quickly away until my mom said 'There's still a little food left, your P&E teacher won't mind giving the circumstances'.

'No thanks' I replied turning to walk away again. But I felt a firm grip on my arm for the second time as my mom turned me to face her, forcing me to look into her teary eyes.

'What's wrong Cammie, What's really wrong?'

I almost told her. But how can you tell your mom you can't have anything in your room untidy, you can't be late to lessons, because if that happens you punish yourself, in more ways than one. That would be considered 'emotionally unstable' in a normal school and would probably cause you to get kicked out of a spy school. How could I tell her my head was more messed up than my body? My mom didn't deserve my problems. So I found myself turning around and angrily shouting 'Can everyone just leave me alone!' and running up the steps. I was late, really late this time, again. I opened the door of our empty dorm and fell against it as I slammed it shut, rocking back and forth.

I picked myself up from the floor and angled one of our bean bags against the door so that it couldn't be opened. There was no point going to class now, I was too late, a whole thirty seconds late. So instead I rolled up the sleeves of my jumper and grabbed the razor. I trembled as I drew it against my wrists, opening up old cuts and slashing new ones. I couldn't help but smile as I saw the blood flow down my arms. 'That will teach you' I thought to myself.

I sat on my bed, enjoying the numbing pain, contemplating about perhaps punishing myself a little more considering I was actually missing a whole lesson. That was until I heard a noise coming from the other side of my door, the sounds of someone trying to get in.

I hid the razor under my bed while I ran to the bathroom, trying to wipe off the blood that seemed to seep out of my skin. It wouldn't stop. I heard the person literally trying to force the door down so I wrapped some tissue around my wrists at a loss of anything else to do. I tugged my jumper sleeves down over my arms and ran to open the door panting half from the running around and half from panic. I quickly removed the chair and opened the door to see Macey.

'What the hell are you doing? Why put that there? What took you so long to get to the door? Why are you even here?' She swamped me with questions before I had a chance to answer them.

When she finally stopped for breath I was actually able to answer her questions, not truthfully of course though. 'I had to come back to get changed for P&E' I replied casually, thankful for the lesson Mr Solomon gave us in telling lies. 'I was late because my mom kept me behind, also I thought it would be a good chance to quickly wrap up Liz's birthday present for next week and I didn't want to take any chances with her walking in' I was pretty sure at that point Macey was going to suddenly say 'Busted' and pull up my sleeves. You don't live with someone for three years and not get to know them like the back of your hand, but either I had gotten better at lying or I had been gone too long because Macey simply replied 'Oh right, well the teacher sent me come and find you, you're late for P&E'

'Okay, well I'll go get ready' I said casually grabbing my P&E uniform and wondering into the bathroom to get changed, locking the door securely behind me. Well, I got changed in about one minute and then spent another five trying to stop the bleeding from my wrists, the whole time having Macey banging on the door telling me to hurry up.

I finally came out in my uniform, plus a jumper that was technically not uniform but the teachers never really minded as long as you could demonstrate to them a good sweep kick.

I walked with Macey to P&E as she moaned constantly about the trouble we would be in for taking so long.

We finally walked through the door of P&E, twenty three minutes and five seconds late I noted. I stared in shock as I saw my mom and my P&E teacher having an obviously very important conversation. My mom had only ever been in my lessons once before so it was no surprise that I just stood there staring as she talked to my teacher while around us girls continued to throw each other over their shoulders. I switched my gaze away from my mother and my teacher and my eyes settled on an even worse sight. Bex on top of Zach, they were laughing at each other. I could have sworn Zach's eyes met mine but I quickly switched my eyes back to the slightly less sickening sight of my mom and my teacher. My mom suddenly stopped talking as my P&E teacher turned round and pointed, at me. My mom turned too and I could have sworn I saw her actually sigh in relief.

I watched in confusion as my mom ran up to me. 'Where have you been?' she asked acting half like my mom and half like my headmistress.

'Headache' I simply replied, daring a quick look at Macey who saw the look and agreed with me. I would have just left it at that but then remembered shouting at her earlier and a pang of guilt shot through me. 'Sorry mom, I just had a bit of a headache so went to lie down, I lost track of time but then Macey came and found me and I had to go and get ready' I spared her a small smile, I wanted her to think I was happy, I wanted her to think I was the same person that I had been before I'd left.

She just hugged me and said 'Sorry love I was just worried, I know I shouldn't but…'

'It's fine mom, I'm sorry, I'll make sure I let you know where I am next time' I replied politely.

'Okay, well have a good lesson, and remember your counselling with Dr Steve later on' She whispered into my ear and hugged me closer before releasing me and walking out the door.

I would never forget to go to counselling with Dr Steve, ever. Sometimes it felt like he was the only reason I didn't just run away again. I don't know why, but it felt like I could tell him absolutely anything, whether it was about Zach or my mom he would just listen, he hardly spoke but it was great to just have someone to talk to. He never told anyone either. Also he didn't try and excuse what I did, when I tell him about me being late to lessons he says it's right to punish myself, he tells me straight on that I'm a bad person, sometimes he watches me self-harm, and when I do he's always really pleased with me, he says it makes me a better person.

It wasn't long before our P&E teacher had got me back into the class, we were rotating around practising the fairly simple sweep kick, I was doing pretty well if I do say so myself especially for someone who hasn't eaten for three days, maybe my body was getting immune to it now, I would have to speak to Dr Steve about that. It was going pretty well to be honest, that was until I got paired with Bex.

We were meant to be taking it in turns to allow each other to be sweep kicked to the floor, gently. So I was pretty surprised when I felt Bex's foot collide hard with my shin and I fell roughly onto the floor. I just lay there for a few seconds, all of the air knocked out of me.

As I stood back up I expected Bex to apologise but instead she just laughed at me. I honestly didn't know what I was doing when my foot collided with Bex's leg, pulling it up in a way that I hadn't seen done before and watched as if I was someone else as Bex fell flat onto her face, awkwardly collapsing on her ankle. Her cry of pain seemed to suddenly bring me to my senses and I found myself staring at Bex on the floor as she clutched her ankle and held her hand to her face where her lip was bleeding. Even through her pain I saw the look she gave me, well, it was more like a glare.

I couldn't blame her. She was helped up by our P&E teacher who handed her over to Macey to take her to the nurse's office. Macey looked at me too, it wasn't a look like Bex had given me though, it was the way you look at a stranger, and that's what I was now, a stranger. All I could do was watch Bex limp away and whisper 'Sorry Bex…'

Immediately I felt the stares. The glares. I had injured one of the sisters and that just simply wasn't done. I wished someone would come up to me and kick me, hit me, anything to make me hurt. I longed for the razor in my room.

Our teacher beckoned me over, she instructed everyone else to get back to practising but I noticed they just started gossiping, about me.

I could see the teacher was having trouble deciding what to say first. She settled on 'Where did you learn that Cameron?'

'I… I don't remember' I said shakily.

'Did you know that move was banned in 1987?'

'No…' I whispered, unsure how to explain to my P&E teacher that I'd never seen the move before, I'd never done the move before and I certainly wouldn't have performed it on one of the sisters. But for some unknown reason, I had, and I could hardly tell everyone that it had felt like it wasn't me doing it, like I was possessed.

The teacher dismissed us and I went straight back to the room, thankful it was the end of lessons for the day. Macey and Bex must have still been in the medical room and Liz must have been working on her extra credit assignment because no one was there.

I really wanted to get out the razor, but I couldn't because I knew someone would be back soon and I couldn't risk it. There was a whole hour until dinner so I tidied the room, twice. I changed into my comfy jeans and a soft hooded jacket. As I walked through the halls I could feel the stares and I remembered that although our school is for spies, it's primarily a school for girls, and girls spread rumours and gossip.

I walked into the grand hall, exactly on time to my relief. I saw Bex, Macey and Liz already sat there, I also noticed Zach in my seat, usually they would have moved up to make room for me, but today I found myself staring at the huge amount of room they happened to be taking up. I sat at the other end of the table, next to Tina. I actually enjoyed her pointless chatter; it was nice hearing something about other people for a change. The teachers finally arrived, my mom leading them in. I could tell she knew what I'd done by the look in her eyes, her pained expression, it felt like she was looking everywhere but at me.

'Are you not eating Cam?' Tina asked staring at my empty plate.

'Oh, no I'm not really hungry' I replied, no lie.

'If you're worried about earlier I wouldn't. My sources tell me Bex only twisted her ankle.'

I had to admit that made me feel a little better.

Dinner passed fairly uneventfully apart from the stares. I didn't attempt to hide my food like I normally did, I decided if there ever was an excuse not to eat then this would be it.

I left the room before anyone else, and ran up to my room to get the razor, excited that Dr Steve would make everything better soon.

He didn't smile like usual as I entered. I felt my heart drop. 'Take a seat Cameron'

I did as I was told.

'I brought the razor sir' I said quietly.

'Good, you're going to need it' he replied coldly.

'Tell me everything' Dr Steve's icy voice commanded.

I stammered my way through today's events, right from the being late to class to the Bex thing. He listened with a grim expression on his face until he finally said 'five cuts to your right wrist Ms Morgan'

I did as he said feeling my skin slice open.

'That's for being late' he said. 'So now Ms Morgan you must release that from your mind, it's over with, you've been punished, let it go'

I nodded, literally feeling the memory drift from my mind, I was in a trance.

'Now for the Bex thing' He paced around me before grabbing the razor from my hand, lifting my top up over my stomach, dragging the razor down my smooth skin sharply.

I gasped as I felt the numbing pain. He grabbed my other wrist and sliced my skin right up to my elbow.

'Do you understand what I did Cammie?' Dr Steve's voice boomed out. 'You were extra bad today… I had to do extra bad things'

I nodded understandingly, I had done very bad things, and I deserved everything I got.

'Now' Dr Steve continued as if this were a lesson. 'Did you eat today?'

'No Sir' I replied, feeling relief flood through me as he smiled.

'Very good, no punishment for that then'

Dr Steve started wrapping bandages around my arms, ignoring my flinches as the fabric rubbed against my open cuts. He wound the bandages right up my arm and even put them around my stomach.

He then got out his tape measure. This was the one part of the session I dreaded, if I'd put on weight he'd think I was lying about not eating. He told me he did it to help me, no one could ever love a girl who was overweight and that's why Zach had left me, he told me it was also a very good way to punish myself. He wound the tape measure around my shrinking stomach. 'Gained half a centimetre' He said, the smile slipping off his face.

The slap was harder than I remembered the other ones being. My cheek stung and I tried to put my hand up to stem the pain but he just slapped me again.

As he slapped me something seemed to register inside me, like the senses were being knocked back into me, like my ideas that starving myself was the most pointless thing ever, that a teacher shouldn't be slashing me with a razor but then something snapped back inside of me as I heard his voice again and I forgot all of my thoughts, I was being ridiculous, Dr Steve was the only reason I was still alive, I had to listen to him.

'I hope you've learnt your lesson' He said before hauling me in front of the mirror to show my very red cheek.

'I'll see you next week, hopefully we will have a better session then, but of course that will depend on you Ms Morgan'

I nodded and literally ran through the door, slamming it shut behind me. I felt so strange. When he'd slapped me it had felt like a different person had taken over me, it was like I was back to my old self. But I couldn't be her, she'd gone and Dr Steve had told me I can't be her, he said everyone liked this new me. I wasn't so sure.


	2. Chapter 2

**REALLYYYYYY IMPORTANT A/N: I just wanted to clear something REALLY important up that someone asked in a review… I haven't been through ANYTHING that I put into my stories in real life thankfully… and I hope I never will, this is ENTIRELY fiction. I am really sorry if anyone has been through any of this stuff, and I hope it doesn't offend anyone because I really don't mean to, I hope I'm treating the issues with the respect they deserve, PLEASE don't get offended. Also, the reason I like writing angsty type of stories is because I find description a lot easier to write than dialogue, so I try to keep dialogue to a minimum which means I write more about thoughts and feelings which would be boring if everyone was happy all the time! Also I make sure ALL my stories have ****happy endings****, I'm not messed up in the head or anything, I like happiness as much as everyone else! I hope you all understand… Thank you for reading & the reviews are great, I read them all! Thanks to Sydney-C for checking I was okay and that these stories are completely fictional! **

I just stood with my back to the door for a moment taking in everything that had just happened. That was until I saw my mom come down the corridor.

'Oh my god' I thought as my hand instantly flew to my red cheek that my mom was bound to notice, if she knew she'd probably stop me going… or worse… I couldn't let her find out.

'Are you okay Cammie? Your counselling finished early; I was just on my way to the library'

'Fine mom' I said, staring intently at the poster advertising a trip to The Alps, trying to hide the left side of my face from view.

I groaned inwardly as my mom got closer and I felt her turn me around to face her. I heard her gasp.

'Cam?' she questioned.

'What is it mom?' I asked innocently, knowing full well what the problem was.

'What happened?' she asked stroking her fingers along my cheek gently, but it didn't stop me wincing at the pain.

I almost told her, I mean, I didn't understand why Dr Steve told me not to tell anyone… he was helping me, it was right of him to punish me for being bad. Still, I didn't want to risk anything so I whispered 'I fell'

'Don't lie to me' my mom's voice was harsh and determined.

I don't know why but it brought tears to my eyes when she spoke, she'd always told me a spies life was lived on a 'need to know' basis and my problems were defiantly something she didn't need to know or worry about.

'Cammie just tell me, tell me' my mom's voice became gentle. I don't know why but it made me mad, really mad.

'You want to know why!' I cried my voice becoming louder. 'Maybe because I can't remember anything about my summer, maybe because I have no idea what I did over the past few months, maybe because I don't know who I even am anymore!'

I felt my mom try to hug me but I pushed her away, tears streaming down my face now as I gasped back sobs. I fell against the wall, tears racking my body. I felt her try to hold me again but I tensed up my body at her touch and shifted away holding my head in my hands, my body still racking sobs. I needed her to leave me alone; I needed her to understand she didn't want my problems. I found myself standing up hiding my face in my hands and running down the corridor, towards the one place I promised myself I would never go to again.

My mom didn't follow me or call after me, I was thankful and I felt myself calm down as I slid the tapestry across the entrance to my favourite secret passage. The musty smell made it welcoming in a strange kind of way. I wiped away my tears as I closed the tapestry behind me and fell with my back against it.

I felt along the dusty floor until my hands touched over a sharp stone, I didn't even think as I ripped off the bandages Dr Steve had put on and started clawing at my skin with the stone, scraping it down my arms, cutting open the barely healed cuts. I felt sick as I looked at what I'd done and dropped the bloody stone onto the floor. Blood was flowing down my arms.

Minutes melted into hours as I sat there until the tears had dried on my face and my legs that were crushed beneath me had gone numb, the blood that streaked my arms was dry. It was tempting to stay there all night, but I knew I would have to go back sooner or later so I shakily picked myself up from the floor and dusted myself off.

I took deep breaths as I walked through the corridors on the way to my room, trying not to hyperventilate as I walked through the door.

It wasn't hard to guess what they had been talking about as their conversation stopped abruptly with an awkward silence followed by Macey coincidently starting to talk about CoveOps homework as if nothing was wrong. I didn't stop as I made my way, slightly light headed, to the bathroom.

I must have spent over an hour in the shower, feeling the chilling water seep over my skin, washing off the blood and tears. I changed into my pyjamas, pulling the sleeves firmly over my wrists.

I came back out to an empty room. I sighed as I got into bed and turned out the lights. Everything was wrong at the moment, so wrong. It was like I didn't even know who I was anymore, no one did, no one except Dr Steve, I was thankful I at least had someone in my life who knew the real me, and treated me the way I deserved to be treated.

At some point I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up it was pitch black and I could hear the gentle snores of my roommates peacefully sleeping. I had no idea what time they'd come back in, or where they'd gone even, all I knew was it had actually got to the point where they couldn't bear to be in the same room as me. Well, even I couldn't bear to be in the same room as me.

I felt myself drift back to sleep again, this time when I woke up the light streamed through the window and my roommates were already up, silhouetted in the window as they changed into their uniform.

'Morning Cam!' Liz said cheerily, only the tiniest hint of annoyance in her voice.

I blinked in shock for a moment at the fact she'd actually spoken to me before smiling and replying with 'Morning Liz' I felt my voice crack at the end but Liz didn't seem to notice as she continued to change and pack books and stationary into her oversized bag, chatting away cheerfully.

I looked on in confusion; it was like yesterday hadn't even happened. If it hadn't been for Bex still ignoring me and limping around the room I would've thought everything had been back to normal. Even Macey offered to do my hair as if it were another normal day. I changed in the bathroom and as soon as I got out Liz started wondering aloud what we were going to be having for breakfast. 'I think I'll give breakfast a miss' I said casually.

'No Cam, you've got to have breakfast with us!' Liz said just as Bex stormed out the door on her own.

I agreed to go down to breakfast, but that didn't mean I was going to eat any, especially after the punishment from yesterday.

I walked in and saw my mom already sat there, obviously trying to avoid looking at me. I dipped my head as I walked through to our table. My mom's name seemed to have been added to the long list of people that I needed to apologise to and as I caught sight of Bex and Zach laughing together at the end of the table I knew I had to put my jealousy aside and sort things out.

I sat down at the table trying to keep my eyes away from Bex and Zach.

'Are you not eating Cam?' Liz asked worriedly.

'No I am' I replied, not wanting to upset her after we'd been getting on so well.

I picked up a croissant from the centre of the table and began picking it apart, contemplating what to do. I could feel Dr Steve's eyes burning into the back of my head and I remembered the punishment I would have to endure if I gained weight. It was enough warning to make me drop the croissant back onto my plate.

No one really seemed to notice and I felt relief as we filed out ready to go to CoveOps. I walked alongside Liz and Macey, hearing the paining laughter of Zach and Bex behind us.

I managed to walk at a slow pace, walking into CoveOps exactly on time, it immediately made me feel better.

I sat down at my desk quickly before Aunt Abby had a chance to question me about anything.

The lesson started uneventfully as we all sat taking notes about driving cars out of explosions.

I groaned inwardly as I felt a headache coming on and I put my hand up to my temple, grimacing from the pain. After about five minutes I actually started wondering if my head was going to split open, it got to the point where I couldn't bear it anymore.

I stood up a little shakily and just walked quickly to the door walking quickly through it, breaking into a run as I reached the corridor.

I heard Aunt Abby shout out after me but my vision was blurring as I sprinted up the stairs taking two at a time still clutching at my head in agony.

Somehow I found my room through the haze. I fell onto the floor breathing deeply. 'What the hell is happening to me?' I thought as I lay down on the floor feeling thankful for the hard feel of cold marble that seemed to sooth my throbbing head. It wasn't long before the blackness took over.

'Cammie?' A worried voice seemed like it was about a mile away from me as I shivered feeling cold stone beneath me. I remembered my headache from earlier… I must have passed out! The headache seemed more of a distant throb at the back of my head now and I breathed a sigh of relief. I opened my eyes, everything looking blurry until I forced my groggy head to focus and I could finally see Liz, a scared expression her face.

'Cammie are you okay? What happened?'

'I'm fine Liz' I croaked lifting myself up from the floor shivering and still a little shaky. As my head began to clear I caught sight of Macey and Bex staring at me from the other side of the room.

I rubbed my head, almost as if I were trying to clear it. I brushed myself off as I straightened out my crumbled uniform. My internal clock seemed to suddenly jerk in my head as I realised I'd been laying there for two hours.

'I'll go get your mom…' Liz started before I quickly grabbed her arm.

'No!' I pleaded with her urgently.

'Well if you don't start talking I'll go get her myself' I heard a half furious, half concerned Bex say in the corner.

'Yeah Cam, this is getting ridiculous now, you can't hide from us forever y'know' Macey agreed.

It was the most Bex had said to me in the past few weeks so maybe that's why I sighed and said 'Okay' knowing for once that I couldn't make up a story, I couldn't lie, I had to tell them the truth (Well, the abridged truth).

I sat down on my bed, straightening the covers out until I was satisfied there wasn't a single crease and then finally sitting down.

I could see Bex and Macey come closer to me sitting on the bed next to me, Liz coming to join me on mine. I crossed my lean legs and rubbed a frail hand over my bony face before beginning.

'I'm different' I simply said.

'We're going to need more than that!' Bex scoffed impatiently, Bex never was one to wait, but her expression softened as she added 'It's okay Cam, you can tell us'

Her kind words brought tears to my eyes and I struggled to speak without my voice cracking. 'It started when I came back from the convent' I felt tears start to roll down my face as I remembered waking up, with no memory. 'I just… I just want to know what happened, I don't remember anything I did and… It's killing me' my voice was turning into a low whisper. 'When I came back I was… different.' I finished.

I could tell my roommates wanted more, so I continued 'I need everything to be tidy, I can't be late to class, I can't even be early to class.'

'I thought that was why you were getting counselling?' Macey interrupted puzzled.

'Yeah, well it is slowly starting to help' I lied.

Macey scoffed, obviously not believing me but I carried on.

'I just haven't felt like eating recently… that's probably why I ended up on the floor…'

I paused, wondering how much I should say, but then I imagined Mr Steve's harsh voice scolding me and punishing me if I told them about what our counselling sessions were really about. So I found myself just saying 'I feel like I have to punish myself for being so careless over the summer, for hurting Bex, for hurting everyone…'

I couldn't finish as the tears came suddenly as my body racked with sobs, I didn't need to finish and soon I was surrounded by my friends, my sisters, the sisters who I'd thought I'd lost. I felt my body crushed between all of their hugs surrounding me, I felt Bex's tears drop on my arm and I hugged her closer, my best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So this is the last chapter, sorry but I got really stuck on this story which is why the 'recovery ending' is so short and sudden but I couldn't really give an ending that gave it justice so I'm really sorry. In all honesty I was getting bored of writing this story BUT I'm in the middle of my other long one too and I'm starting a new one so follow me please if you like what you read! Thanks for the fantastic reviews, I got some great ones for that last chapter!**

I just stood with my back to the door for a moment taking in everything that had just happened. That was until I saw my mom come down the corridor.

'Oh my god' I thought as my hand instantly flew to my red cheek that my mom was bound to notice, if she knew she'd probably stop me going… or worse… I couldn't let her find out.

'Are you okay Cammie? Your counselling finished early; I was just on my way to the library'

'Fine mom' I said, staring intently at the poster advertising a trip to The Alps, trying to hide the left side of my face from view.

I groaned inwardly as my mom got closer and I felt her turn me around to face her. I heard her gasp.

'Cam?' she questioned.

'What is it mom?' I asked innocently, knowing full well what the problem was.

'What happened?' she asked stroking her fingers along my cheek gently, but it didn't stop me wincing at the pain.

I almost told her, I mean, I didn't understand why Dr Steve told me not to tell anyone… he was helping me, it was right of him to punish me for being bad. Still, I didn't want to risk anything so I whispered 'I fell'

'Don't lie to me' my mom's voice was harsh and determined.

I don't know why but it brought tears to my eyes when she spoke, she'd always told me a spies life was lived on a 'need to know' basis and my problems were defiantly something she didn't need to know or worry about.

'Cammie just tell me, tell me' my mom's voice became gentle. I don't know why but it made me mad, really mad.

'You want to know why!' I cried my voice becoming louder. 'Maybe because I can't remember anything about my summer, maybe because I have no idea what I did over the past few months, maybe because I don't know who I even am anymore!'

I felt my mom try to hug me but I pushed her away, tears streaming down my face now as I gasped back sobs. I fell against the wall, tears racking my body. I felt her try to hold me again but I tensed up my body at her touch and shifted away holding my head in my hands, my body still racking sobs. I needed her to leave me alone; I needed her to understand she didn't want my problems. I found myself standing up hiding my face in my hands and running down the corridor, towards the one place I promised myself I would never go to again.

My mom didn't follow me or call after me, I was thankful and I felt myself calm down as I slid the tapestry across the entrance to my favourite secret passage. The musty smell made it welcoming in a strange kind of way. I wiped away my tears as I closed the tapestry behind me and fell with my back against it.

I felt along the dusty floor until my hands touched over a sharp stone, I didn't even think as I ripped off the bandages Dr Steve had put on and started clawing at my skin with the stone, scraping it down my arms, cutting open the barely healed cuts. I felt sick as I looked at what I'd done and dropped the bloody stone onto the floor. Blood was flowing down my arms.

Minutes melted into hours as I sat there until the tears had dried on my face and my legs that were crushed beneath me had gone numb, the blood that streaked my arms was dry. It was tempting to stay there all night, but I knew I would have to go back sooner or later so I shakily picked myself up from the floor and dusted myself off.

I took deep breaths as I walked through the corridors on the way to my room, trying not to hyperventilate as I walked through the door.

It wasn't hard to guess what they had been talking about as their conversation stopped abruptly with an awkward silence followed by Macey coincidently starting to talk about CoveOps homework as if nothing was wrong. I didn't stop as I made my way, slightly light headed, to the bathroom.

I must have spent over an hour in the shower, feeling the chilling water seep over my skin, washing off the blood and tears. I changed into my pyjamas, pulling the sleeves firmly over my wrists.

I came back out to an empty room. I sighed as I got into bed and turned out the lights. Everything was wrong at the moment, so wrong. It was like I didn't even know who I was anymore, no one did, no one except Dr Steve, I was thankful I at least had someone in my life who knew the real me, and treated me the way I deserved to be treated.

At some point I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up it was pitch black and I could hear the gentle snores of my roommates peacefully sleeping. I had no idea what time they'd come back in, or where they'd gone even, all I knew was it had actually got to the point where they couldn't bear to be in the same room as me. Well, even I couldn't bear to be in the same room as me.

I felt myself drift back to sleep again, this time when I woke up the light streamed through the window and my roommates were already up, silhouetted in the window as they changed into their uniform.

'Morning Cam!' Liz said cheerily, only the tiniest hint of annoyance in her voice.

I blinked in shock for a moment at the fact she'd actually spoken to me before smiling and replying with 'Morning Liz' I felt my voice crack at the end but Liz didn't seem to notice as she continued to change and pack books and stationary into her oversized bag, chatting away cheerfully.

I looked on in confusion; it was like yesterday hadn't even happened. If it hadn't been for Bex still ignoring me and limping around the room I would've thought everything had been back to normal. Even Macey offered to do my hair as if it were another normal day. I changed in the bathroom and as soon as I got out Liz started wondering aloud what we were going to be having for breakfast. 'I think I'll give breakfast a miss' I said casually.

'No Cam, you've got to have breakfast with us!' Liz said just as Bex stormed out the door on her own.

I agreed to go down to breakfast, but that didn't mean I was going to eat any, especially after the punishment from yesterday.

I walked in and saw my mom already sat there, obviously trying to avoid looking at me. I dipped my head as I walked through to our table. My mom's name seemed to have been added to the long list of people that I needed to apologise to and as I caught sight of Bex and Zach laughing together at the end of the table I knew I had to put my jealousy aside and sort things out.

I sat down at the table trying to keep my eyes away from Bex and Zach.

'Are you not eating Cam?' Liz asked worriedly.

'No I am' I replied, not wanting to upset her after we'd been getting on so well.

I picked up a croissant from the centre of the table and began picking it apart, contemplating what to do. I could feel Dr Steve's eyes burning into the back of my head and I remembered the punishment I would have to endure if I gained weight. It was enough warning to make me drop the croissant back onto my plate.

No one really seemed to notice and I felt relief as we filed out ready to go to CoveOps. I walked alongside Liz and Macey, hearing the paining laughter of Zach and Bex behind us.

I managed to walk at a slow pace, walking into CoveOps exactly on time, it immediately made me feel better.

I sat down at my desk quickly before Aunt Abby had a chance to question me about anything.

The lesson started uneventfully as we all sat taking notes about driving cars out of explosions.

I groaned inwardly as I felt a headache coming on and I put my hand up to my temple, grimacing from the pain. After about five minutes I actually started wondering if my head was going to split open, it got to the point where I couldn't bear it anymore.

I stood up a little shakily and just walked quickly to the door walking quickly through it, breaking into a run as I reached the corridor.

I heard Aunt Abby shout out after me but my vision was blurring as I sprinted up the stairs taking two at a time still clutching at my head in agony.

Somehow I found my room through the haze. I fell onto the floor breathing deeply. 'What the hell is happening to me?' I thought as I lay down on the floor feeling thankful for the hard feel of cold marble that seemed to sooth my throbbing head. It wasn't long before the blackness took over.

'Cammie?' A worried voice seemed like it was about a mile away from me as I shivered feeling cold stone beneath me. I remembered my headache from earlier… I must have passed out! The headache seemed more of a distant throb at the back of my head now and I breathed a sigh of relief. I opened my eyes, everything looking blurry until I forced my groggy head to focus and I could finally see Liz, a scared expression her face.

'Cammie are you okay? What happened?'

'I'm fine Liz' I croaked lifting myself up from the floor shivering and still a little shaky. As my head began to clear I caught sight of Macey and Bex staring at me from the other side of the room.

I rubbed my head, almost as if I were trying to clear it. I brushed myself off as I straightened out my crumbled uniform. My internal clock seemed to suddenly jerk in my head as I realised I'd been laying there for two hours.

'I'll go get your mom…' Liz started before I quickly grabbed her arm.

'No!' I pleaded with her urgently.

'Well if you don't start talking I'll go get her myself' I heard a half furious, half concerned Bex say in the corner.

'Yeah Cam, this is getting ridiculous now, you can't hide from us forever y'know' Macey agreed.

It was the most Bex had said to me in the past few weeks so maybe that's why I sighed and said 'Okay' knowing for once that I couldn't make up a story, I couldn't lie, I had to tell them the truth (Well, the abridged truth).

I sat down on my bed, straightening the covers out until I was satisfied there wasn't a single crease and then finally sitting down.

I could see Bex and Macey come closer to me sitting on the bed next to me, Liz coming to join me on mine. I crossed my lean legs and rubbed a frail hand over my bony face before beginning.

'I'm different' I simply said.

'We're going to need more than that!' Bex scoffed impatiently, Bex never was one to wait, but her expression softened as she added 'It's okay Cam, you can tell us'

Her kind words brought tears to my eyes and I struggled to speak without my voice cracking. 'It started when I came back from the convent' I felt tears start to roll down my face as I remembered waking up, with no memory. 'I just… I just want to know what happened, I don't remember anything I did and… It's killing me' my voice was turning into a low whisper. 'When I came back I was… different.' I finished.

I could tell my roommates wanted more, so I continued 'I need everything to be tidy, I can't be late to class, I can't even be early to class.'

'I thought that was why you were getting counselling?' Macey interrupted puzzled.

'Yeah, well it is slowly starting to help' I lied.

Macey scoffed, obviously not believing me but I carried on.

'I just haven't felt like eating recently… that's probably why I ended up on the floor…'

I paused, wondering how much I should say, but then I imagined Mr Steve's harsh voice scolding me and punishing me if I told them about what our counselling sessions were really about. So I found myself just saying 'I feel like I have to punish myself for being so careless over the summer, for hurting Bex, for hurting everyone…'

I couldn't finish as the tears came suddenly as my body racked with sobs, I didn't need to finish and soon I was surrounded by my friends, my sisters, the sisters who I'd thought I'd lost. I felt my body crushed between all of their hugs surrounding me, I felt Bex's tears drop on my arm and I hugged her closer, my best friend.

'I'm sorry' I whispered into her ear, so quietly I wasn't sure if she'd heard, but we're spies we hear everything.

'I'm sorry too' Bex whispered back softly.

Once we'd cleaned ourselves up it was time for lunch, and I knew my friends would be watching me, I didn't know how I was going to get out of it this time.

As I walked in with my friends, actually allowing myself to laugh with them I saw my mom, deep in conversation with my aunt, they both turned to stare at me and I could of sworn their expressions relaxed as they saw me with back with my friends.

I sat down, watching my friends pile food onto my plate, I hadn't eaten for so long that the thought of food actually made me feel sick. I shuddered as my plate filled up with everything from sausage rolls to chocolate. I could feel Dr Steve's eyes penetrating the back of my head again, a constant reminder of what eating would lead too.

Bex raised her eyebrows as she took a massive bite of her slice of cake, gesturing for me to do the same. I picked it up, wishing I didn't have such a clever mind as it automatically began calculating the calories. I lifted it up to my mouth ready to take a bite before I felt a touch on my back, making me jump so bad that I dropped it back onto my plate!

'Ms Morgan, a word please?' Dr Steve's painfully fake cheerful voice boomed out.

'She's eating' Bex said coldly passing me a slice of bread and butter.

'I'm sorry Ms Baxter but I'm the teacher here and I need to speak to Cameron' Dr Steve's cheerful voice had a tint of rage.

'It's fine, I'll be back soon' I told Bex as I followed Dr Steve out of the hall.

He walked fast, me running behind him until he found an entirely empty corridor.

'I hope you haven't forgotten our arrangements Ms Morgan, not a word to anyone, remember?' He hissed.

'But I don't understand why? You're helping me become a better person' I said shakily.

He grabbed me firmly by the wrist, so hard it actually hurt and I cried out in pain. He just held on harder and pulled me closer before slapping me around the face. The breath was taken out of me as I gasped in shock, but I wasn't the only one.

'Cammie?' Zach's voice echoed from further down the corridor.

I turned towards him holding my hand to my cheek feeling the stinging pain.

'What the hell happened?' I heard an angry and confused Zach say as he looked between me and Dr Steve.

'Cammie fell, I was just helping her back up, she hit her face pretty hard' Dr Steve stuttered.

Zach walked right up to me and I winced as he stroked his fingers along my cheek.

'Cammie is true?' his voice was gentle and calming

'Yeah, I was just being clumsy' I replied shakily looking at an unconvinced Zach.

'Right' Zach replied shortly, his annoyance showing.

I knew he knew something else was behind it but he stormed off back down the corridor, leaving me staring after him.

Before I had a chance to speak Dr Steve had grabbed me by the arm again and was hauling me towards his office.

'What have you told him?' Dr Steve shouted as soon as the door was shut.

'Nothing I swear!' I pleaded.

I earned a slap around the face again.

'Now get to your lesson, we'll talk about this later at counselling' Dr Steve turned away almost as if he couldn't bear to look at me.

I got to CoveOps late; I knew I would have to pay for that later, Aunt Abby didn't say anything though. My friends shot me smiles as I sat down and Bex sneaked me a croissant under the table. I ate it hungrily before I had a chance to think about what I was doing.

Lessons were awful. It was great to have my friends back again but they still pestered me, knowing something was wrong. Zach had been ignoring me. My mom and Abby had been ignoring me. Dr Steve was mad at me. I couldn't help but dread what was to come later.

'I'm off to see Dr Steve' I said to my roommates as I changed into jeans and a jumper, turning my back to them to avoid them catching sight of my wrists which looked even worse now they were staring to heal, I knew that would all change later though.

I took a deep breath as I entered Dr Steve's office expecting to feel his wrath but instead I was met with a very fake smile. And my mom was sat in the corner.

'I just came to listen in on your counselling today, I hope you don't mind' my mom said smiling.

'Of course not' I said, and I really didn't mind, because I felt happy my mom would finally be able to see what a horrible person I was.

Dr Steve told me to take a seat. I was a little confused; he usually just got straight onto it.

'Now' Dr Steve started 'We will be talking about why you feel the need to starve yourself'

'What?' I frowned as Dr Steve sent me a look that said 'Just go along with it'. But I didn't, I didn't understand, he was the one that told me to starve myself, because I was a bad person.

'But Sir…' I started, a deep frown still on my face.

'Now, maybe it's a confidence thing…' Dr Steve started. I blanked out.

What was Dr Steve talking about? I usually just told him what I did wrong and he would punish me.

'Sir' I interrupted. He shot me a look as if to say 'shut up' but I carried on. 'Today I was late to three lessons'

'Oh Ms Morgan, that's nothing to worry about' he laughed.

He actually laughed at me. I couldn't see my mother's face but I wondered if she was as confused as I was.

I picked up the razor from under the sofa where Dr Steve always hid it until I was done with explaining what had happened. I could literally feel the tension in the room.

'Cammie, put that down' my mom whispered from somewhere behind me.

'Yes put that down' Dr Steve stammered, coming closer to me.

'Get away from her!' my mom shrieked as she pushed herself between me and Dr Steve.

I saw Dr Steve gape as he seemed to realise something.

But I wasn't really bothered, I had to punish myself otherwise he'd get angry.

'Mom, I can't I need to punish myself, otherwise I'll get slapped, I'd rather have the razor'

I'd never seen so many emotions from my mom before as a look of such anger filled her eyes, followed by concern. 'Cammie' she said slowly. 'No one's going to hurt you; I need you to put the razor down.'

I wasn't listening. I rolled up my sleeves hearing gasps from my mom, and then I sliced through my skin, watching the blood ooze out. 'That was for being three seconds late to CoveOps' I said to myself.

I drew it across my skin again. 'That's for when I ate today' I whispered.

I saw my mom coming closer to me, slowly as if she were afraid of me. 'Cammie please stop' I heard her sob.

'But mom, I have to punish myself, I'm horrible' I could feel the tears in my eyes too now.

Before I could strike again on my wrists the door opened and I could see out of my watery eyes that Aunt Abby, Zach and my friends stood in the door way. I heard gasps.

'Cammie, Dr Steve was lying' I saw him tense up behind my mom… was he actually scared? He didn't need to be, I knew he was trying to help me.

'Mom, Dr Steve was helping me, he's helping me to become better' I sobbed.

'No Cammie, listen to me, I'm your mom' Tears were pouring down her face now. 'Put the razor down Cammie'

I dropped the razor. At the same time it felt like my cover had been dropped, and for just a second I felt like the old me as I ran into my mom's arms and we both collapsed onto the floor crying. I winced as my cuts caught on her clothes but I couldn't let go. Sobs wracked through my body as my mom hugged me in close, stroking my hair as if she were trying to protect me.

We must have sat like that for ages, because I felt blackness engulf me as I passed out in her arms.

When I woke up it felt like my body was crushed, but it wasn't painful, it was peaceful. It was familiar to me and I soon recognised the gentle way in which Zach used to hold me, and sure enough his arms were enveloped tightly around me and I could feel his warm breath tickling the back of my neck. I smiled as I snuggled deeper under the warm blanket that had been tucked around us.

The swift movement caused Zach to wake up and I heard him whisper 'Cammie?'

I smiled again and turned around so I could face him. I knew I must have looked like hell, especially when tears pricked at my eyes, soon enough trickling down my cheeks. Zach didn't seem to mind, in fact I could have sworn a tear had leaked down his face but I couldn't be certain because soon enough his cheek had brushed against my face and his lips had connected to mine.

When we finally came up for air I whispered 'I'm sorry'

'Shhh' soothed Zach. He winced before saying 'It's me that should be saying sorry'

'What?' I frowned, my voice loud in disbelief.

'Sh! I'm not meant to be in here!' Laughed Zach before his face became serious again and he said 'I knew something wasn't right, I should have stopped it earlier, I shouldn't have let him cause you this much pain' He gestured to my wrists which I then noticed were bound tightly with thick bandages.

'Scars heal Zach' I whispered, almost scared of his reaction.

He nodded and pulled me in closer.

'I'm just glad I have you back' Whispered Zach. 'I'll do everything I can to make you better again, I promise'

And he did. He made me better. I knew the scars would be there for a while, I knew I wouldn't get back to a healthy weight again overnight and I knew my relationships with my friends and family would need time to be rebuilt, but I had time, I had help, and I had back everything I cared about. Most of all, I was myself again, and I knew that was the most important thing.


End file.
